ERIC SOUNDS OFF

Long before there was Regis and Kelly (check out a picture of us with Kelly Ripa in the Recent Mish Mash Photo Page) there was Regis and Kathie Lee! Actually, it wasn’t that long ago…funny how the world has changed in the past 5 years, though. We were guests one crisp Spring morning as was actor Steve Guttenberg. During the “LIVE” taping I fell completely on my ass while we did Macho Man. The following is a brief recount of that fun, unforgettable morning that I wrote not too long after. I just found it on a disc and I thought I would share: After all of these years of making jokes about Kathie Lee Gifford, Frank, Cody, etc., etc., the Karmic wheel has spun my way. Before I get to the part about my ass hitting the floor, I'd like to share with you a few other delights. As most of you know, doing TV is all about waiting around; never quite sure when they'll need you. In the morning I drink a lot of coffee, especially if I'm in a studio green room where bad coffee is always abundant, and it's the crack of dawn's ass (which for me is anytime before 10:00am). I have a small bladder. Admittedly. Hence, I have a problem...Do I chance a trip down the hall to relieve myself? What if they need us? And when they need you, they NEED you, (nothing seems to be on a schedule until they get to you). So, I hold it. And I hold it. Finally, I start to fear that I'm damaging my prostate, so I waddle on down to the toilets, trying to look studly in my leathers. When I get into this bathroom I find myself alone with Steve Guttenberg. Now, Steve "No Lack of Energy" Guttenberg is no stranger to The Village People, having starred with the group in the classic film Can't Stop The Music, and he immediately starts talking to me. I'm not listening to what he is saying, as I have other things on my mind. Now, I have a new situation (women might not be able to relate to this). Steve is barely stopping to take a breath, and now all I can think is PEE SHY ! Yes, not only do I have a small bladder, but I get stage fright while standing at a urinal; especially if Steve Guttenberg is talking my ear off. But there is an option (this sounds like a Seinfeld episode). It's obvious Steve is going to continue no matter what business I'm going to do. The urinal is going to be a bad choice, but there is always the toilets in the stalls. This all is taking place in my mind whilst Steve's barrage continues. TIME ELAPSED SINCE ENTERING THE BATHROOM: 30 seconds. The moment of decision has come, but I have a problem. I have already moved instinctively towards the urinals. Do I now back up and head for the stalls just to take a pee? What would Steve think? Would he think I have something to hide? Would he think I must have decided that I needed to make a little cocky instead? And if I try the "Faux Dump" maneuver, would he continue to talk to me? Plus, what if they NEED me while I'm sitting on the bowl, pretending to make cocky, and chatting with my new buddy Steve? This is all too much for me. TIME ELAPSED : 1 min. I make a split second decision. I walk up to the urinal really close, so Steve can't see the fake I'm about to execute. As we talk, I successfully do the fake, the shake, and the flush. Still suffering from exertion on my bladder I wash my hands, say farewell to Steve, and waddle out. TIME ELAPSED: 3 mins. A few minutes later I return to the bathroom. The security guard near the bathroom looks at me funny. I am in full Leatherman regalia, after all. He probably thinks I’m cruising the bathrooms. Finally, they NEED us. Everything's going fine....a little chit-chat, introductions, into "Macho Man", and then the "powers that be" decide that Leatherjoyboy must do his penance for years of Kathie Lee wisecracks right then and there. The jury is still out as far as what happened.....whether Alex pushed me one too many times, or Felipe didn't catch me, or I was sleeping (any choreography at that time in the morning is difficult). Down I go - “Leatherman Down!”. I took a good look at Kathie Lee after my downfall, or falldown. I saw her in a whole new way. Maybe I had been brainwashed by Steve in the bathroom. Maybe this was some bizarre symptom from an overextended bladder. But maybe this was the way it was all along. I retract everything I've ever said about Kathie Lee. The woman is a very nice person. She is professional and personable. And she is, without a doubt, a major BABE. Simply edible. OOOOHHH BABY! Spank me Kath! Frank's a lucky man. I then began to fantasize about her. Right there. Right then. We came out at the end to sing YMCA. In the mean time Kathie Lee had put on one of my leather vests, and my biker hat. My fantasy was running full tilt. Commercial break was over. We were back. We talked a little more, but again I heard nothing. I was riding down some desert highway on a Fatboy, Kathie Lee behind me, her arms around me…and then the music started. We're doing YMCA. While I was singing all I could think about was that when I wear my vest and hat again, it would smell like Kathie Lee. I was really getting into this. Then the Almighty rolled the dice again. Kathie Lee takes off my vest and hat and gives them to Mrs. Greenthumbs, who then proceeds to don my leather. Fantasy over. And the music played on. When I got my leathers back from Mrs. Greenthumbs, (who's a real sweetheart, but has no purchase on my libido), they smelled of Mrs. Greenthumb's perfume. No residual Kathie Lee. After retrieving my leathers, I returned to the dressing room I shared with Alex, directly across from Kathie Lee's, only to be informed by Alex that I had just missed her and she was only in her panty hose! And the Karmic wheel spins again. Oh yeah,....Regis is a nice guy too.